All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
