I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize