your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize