Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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