Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
