I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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