I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
