the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Green mimosas i think yes
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
