He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
