Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
