I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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