either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
