halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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