Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
