Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
