Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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