there's paper in my vomit.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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