LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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