you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's blow job season.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
