a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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