five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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