He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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