Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's the barista slut.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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