It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
