I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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