I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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