I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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