First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
