Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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