Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
