i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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