We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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