genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
