dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
