i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
