I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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