you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
