just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
