You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
