when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
