my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize