Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
