She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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