I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
