I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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