i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
