I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
