Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
