Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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