They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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