Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
