Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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