Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we made out on top of his cat.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
