Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize