you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
