Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize