Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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