I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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