He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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