Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
